Last Update: Fall, 2001
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radio Pü Commercial Sampler

Our material is a blend of many pop culture sources and tends to be cheesey and funny, as well as encompassing many brow heights. Musically we pull from tons of traditions and sources, from stereotypical film music to free jazz improv to metal to funk to jazz to rock to fill-in-the-genre-or-invent-one-for-us.

We recently premiered an original ninety-minute audio play called "Metagumshoe." for a sample of the script, click here.


We use 'industry standard' lingo, so when you see "MX" it means music, and "SFX" means sound effects. The initials are for voiceover artists. One of our new commercials is for...

Gullabrex 3.0

[MX: drums and bass]

DM: (kid's voice) Dear Mom and Dad. I'm having the best time visting grandma. I made a new friend at the playground today. Her name is Becky and she has ADHD just like me. It's good to know I'm not the only one. Becky says her Mom and Dad are giving her Gullabrex 3.0 for ADHD. What's Gullabrex? Love, Britney

p.s. Grandma is pooping her polyester pants again.

[mx: drums/bass OUT, tender acoustic guitar in]

LTL (warm and compassionately) Gullabrex 3.0 is a gentle, caring way to chemically adapt to the world around you. My name is Dr. Brett McCallister...you might remember me from such infomercials as "Sea Monkeys: Our Underwater Friends" and "Talk to the Hand."

I'm here today to talk about Gullabrex 3.0. Millions of Americans have already switched from their expensive, funny-named medications to Gullabrex, and I'm pretty sure I know why. With a minimum of unpleasant side effects, the newly-upgraded Gullabrex 3.0 goes to work right away to alleve all those unpleasant human condition symptoms.

With the proper dosage, young Britney's grades and popularity could soar, and Grandma's dependence on Depends could wane. From ADD to OCD, Impotence to Omnipotence, from Halitosis to Hemorrhoids, Gullabrex will fix you right up.

Why not make the switch to Gullabrex 3.0 today? Now available in chewable and inhalable form. For a free sample, visit your local pharmacy or order online at Gullabrex4me.com.

Gullabrex 3.0. The world is your oyster...why not swallow it whole?

[mx OUT]

rH: (supa-fast) Credit approval, doctor activity fee and service agreement required. Offer available at participating pharmaceutical ventures. Certain other restrictions and additional charges will apply. See store for details.

[MX--ends]

(C)2001 rosS Hamlin





Smilin' Dan, The Twitching Pet Rat

[MX: Keys and Rat Choir] Smilin' Dan, the Twitching...Pet Rat!

HICK-BOY: Heyy mawww, Smilin' Dan can't seem to eat when i feed him. He's just kinda thrashing around again, maw!

HICK-MOM: (away from mic) That's ok, Ricky. Just leave the food in his cage. His face is bound to land in it sometime and he can eat it then!!!

BOY: Thanks maww!

MOM: Of course, now, back to your homework young man! There's plenty of time to check on Smilin' Dan next week!

BOY: O-kay, maw!

MOM/BOY: (cheesey laughter)

LTL: Smilin' Dan the Twitching Pet Rat is only available at participating locations. Next time you're near your grocer's freezer, ask for him by name!

[MX: Keys and Rat Choir] Smilin' Dan, the Twitching...Pet Rat!

(C)2001 rosS Hamlin




After radio surfing many years ago I was amused to discover that a certain cultural event was being promoted in VERY different ways depending on what format the station adopted. I later wrote three different commercials for a big-ass monster truck and tractor pull event. One was heavy metal, one was smooth jazz, and one was...classical...

Monster Truck (classical mix)

[MX--fluffy Mozart]

LTL: (ala rich snob) Dear, could you pass me the entertainment section?

[SFX: dish noises, newspaper rattling]

AS: (ala subservient rich wife) Of course, dear.
LTL: Thank you, dear. Oh look, apparently there's another one of those Monster Truck presentations at the Civic Center.
AS: You don't say?
LTL: Hmmm. Interesting...
AS: What?
LTL: Apparently this...Big Foot and this...Black Panther will be there as well.
AS: Hmmm? (pause) You thinking what I'm thinking?
LTL: I...could...be!
AS: Oh honey, let's go! Let's do something with the common people for a change!
LTL: Gosh darn-it, you're right! Honey, get online and order us some tickets will you?
AS: Of course, dear.

[SFX--computer keyboard clacking]

LTL: Thank you, lovey. I'll be in the shower then.

[SFX/MX out]

rH: (sloooow, ala classical announcer) And that was at www.wcrbewell.com.... It's a tractor pull.... A true piece of Americana....This weekend only and it's held at the Civic Center...... I'll be there at the WCRB booth handing out free T shirts....... And sparkling water....... See you there.

(C)2001 ross Hamlin







We also do a number of film preview spoofs. These are a blast because I absolutely abhor these things. They can be both really easy and really hard to pull off well. Especially getting all the music to start and stop and change gears quickly. This one is from a fake movie entitled "Cheese Product." It ain't the same without all the music, but we're not ready to put audio clips online quite yet....

Cheese Product

[MX1: funk/pop]

rH: (bad hollywood film preview voice) A drifter, looking for his future....
AS: (ditzy junkie voice) What brings a stranger like you down here?
rH: A runaway, hiding from her past, are about to find something...
JS: (bad german/arnold S. accent) Do you want a piece of cheese?
rH: They never expected...

[MX2: 80's pop]

rH: ...Each other! He knows her smile...
AS: (giggles) I like your squirrel.
rH: He knows her touch...
JS: Hmm, it seems to like you too.
rH: But he really doesn't know her at all...

[MX3: spooooooky music]

AS: (semi-hysterically) I just think it's best if we both went our own separate ways. You go that way.
rH: When a woman reaches the point of no return...
AS: (sappily) Why won't you just communicate with me?
rH: The most dangerous thing she can do...
AS: (determinedly) This isn't about the dairy case, this is about honor.
rH: is fall........in LOVE!

[MX4: way-cheesey love theme]

rH: Christina Snapplegate...Arnold Schwarzinhaler...
JS: (angrily) What do you want from me?
AS: (desperately) I just need another bite, c'mon, just to hold me til tomorrow...
JS: No, I told you. No!

[MX OUT]

rH: Sony Pictures Classics presents Cheese Product. Coming soon to a theater near you.

(C)2001 rosS Hamlin







 
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